I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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