I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
