Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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