I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I smell like Dick and happiness
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
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