Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
