Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize
