she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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