i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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