he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
