He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
