I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
