I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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