im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
