I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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