when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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