so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
