God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
