This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
