Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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