The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
be right there i have to get my cape
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
