dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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