I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
he thought i was a dude.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
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