When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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