Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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