I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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