I want you more than these girls want KFC
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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