you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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