Plan B is the new Plan A
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
