I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
