I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
