ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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