omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
