I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
