After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
