it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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