i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
