I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
