My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
