I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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