i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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