i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
