Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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