I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Randomize
