Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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