My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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