hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
