Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
