Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
