ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
