and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize
